A Poem of Severe ImportI drank a beer first thing yesterday morning because the night was dark and full of terrors and I’m still frightened and, frankly, upset ...
The Day Lincoln DiedI suppose you think I’m talking about the President of the United States of America, but I’m not. Because this feels more important than ...
"Masculinity" Because so I cry sometimes for no reason at all other than that when I had a reason to I felt as if I couldn't.
Letter to an Abstract ExpressionistDear Abstract Expressionist(s), I’m writing to you because I’m afraid you’ve lost your way and are in desperate need of guidance. After s...
Things I Saw Inside an Abstract Expressionist PaintingHaving recently made a much-needed visit to the world-renowned museum whose name I’ve forgotten entirely, I compiled a list of the things...
Dear Mr. VonnegutI first read you when I was wayward and lost, wanting to find the straightest line back to the path I’d started on. But you told me to st...
If You’re Reading This, My Neighbor, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Invite You in for a DrinkYou told me your cat died today and that you were afraid to go inside because then her absence would greet you the way she used to, nuzzl...
A Reflection on ReflectionsA question I’m forced to face on a daily basis is why the mirror loves to pull pranks and make me cranky and mangy and, frankly, unattrac...
An Observation I Had One Day While Reading BukowskiWhy is it, Mr. Bukowski— if I may refer to you in formal terms— that every time I read your poetry I feel like… well… your poetry? Small ...
After I ShowerI put my socks on first and then I eat a peach. I do that because I like how it sounds, eating a peach with, in only socks. The socks are...
An Itch for Which We Know ZilchWhen I asked my doctor if it were terminal, he said, “not the eczema, but the psychosis ain’t going nowhere.” And then I punched the air w...
On Time and WisdomI’m older now, exactly eight seconds older than before I began this poem. And in the time it took to begin and reach here, I’m now both o...
Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your Doctor or Your Insides While Receiving a Prostate ExamProstate exams can be unnerving. They’re distressing but necessary medical examinations every man must have; therefore, because they’re b...
When Friendly Pranks Go Too Far: A Conversation with a Victim of the Salem Witch Trials Bridget Bishop, a one-time resident of Salem Town, has the unfortunate distinction of being the first convicted and executed “witch” duri...
So You’re Starting a Band and Need a Kick Ass Name?If I remember correctly, John Lennon said that “a band is only as good as their name.” Or was it John Legend who said that? Actually… now...
Leaked Song Titles From The Rolling Stones’s Upcoming AlbumDon’t ask me how because even I don’t know, but I’ve obtained the “official” track listing for The Rolling Stones’s upcoming album. Altho...
When to Shirk your ShrinkThe following are a list of statements that, if made by your therapist, should send you running and screaming as fast and as loud and as ...
Things Not to Say in a Job InterviewThe following are transcribed exchanges that should not occur during a job interview. Under any circumstances! Even if you fall and bump ...
On Becoming a SommelierWith wine sales and know-it-all-ery on the rise, simply enjoying a relaxing glass of adult grape juice isn’t an option anymore. One must ...
The Curious Case of the Missing HeartThe following is the official transcript of the testimony from the lead detective, Detective Lashmont, on case 100616. This man barges in...