Leaked Song Titles From The Rolling Stones’s Upcoming Album

Don’t ask me how because even I don’t know, but I’ve obtained the “official” track listing for The Rolling Stones’s upcoming album. Although the album title is still undecided—my sources say they’re somewhere between naming it A Book This is Not and We Ate Early, So We Could Party Late—they have settled on all the listed-below song titles.

This is highly irresponsible of me to publish without permission by the band; therefore, you should know that I’ve taken great risks in giving the people what they want. I’ve assumed these risks because I’m a people pleaser. It’s one of my many faults. Sue me—unless you’re an attorney for the Stones, in which case, please don’t.

Without further ado, the leaked track listing that would make Mick Jagger so mad he’d stab me with one of Keith Richards’ used syringes:

  1. Brown Low-Blood Sugar

  2. You Can’t Always Get Good Geriatric Care

  3. Old Mick Jagger Had a Pharmaceutical Rep on Call for All his Meds

  4. Dinner at 3:30

  5. In Bed by 8

  6. Depends… is Our Favorite Brand

  7. Keith’s Blood Could Get a Rhino High

  8. Hospice Party

  9. I Bruise for No Reason

  10. Black and Blue and Incontinent

  11. Lagging Jack Flash

  12. Life Alert: Our Drummer Fell, Broke Something, and Can’t Get Up

  13. Sympathy for the Devil? How About Some Sympathy for Us. We’re Older Than He Is

  14. Wild Whores… Bled Us Dry So Now We Have to Tour Into Our 80s and Be The Band We Never Wanted to Become; But, Alas, Those Wild Whores… Ah, All The Wild Whores, Always Taking and Never Giving, Except in Bed, But When You’re This Old You Really Only Want a Bed to Sleep In and Eat Breakfast and Lunch and Probably Dinner In… But This is Life

  15. We’re Still Better Than 99% of New Bands

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Dear Abstract Expressionist(s), I’m writing to you because I’m afraid you’ve lost your way and are in desperate need of guidance. After spending the weekend attempting to interpret the best of your be