We all know the pattern: you’re lonely, you’re looking, and that looking is worsened by friends and family’s incessant pestering that you’re getting older and should really be settling down. They constantly chide you with reminders that if you can’t find someone to love you now, you never will. It’s hard to hear because you know they’re right. You’re youthful and energetic and at your peak, which means you’re getting uglier, fatter, and soon sex will become the activity equivalent of constructing IKEA furniture. Nevertheless, they and that incessant pestering and constant chiding, and the pressure felt, only makes it worse. Therefore, if they and this pressure is making it impossible to be yourself and find Mr. or Mrs. Right, here are my seven irrefutable, indisputable, indubitable steps to faking a relationship so you can breathe easy and relax and find a life mate at your own pace.
Lie about having contracted an STD
Face it, this isn’t a short-term obstacle, therefore it’s going to take some long-term strategizing. First, people need to know that you’re sexually active. Nothing verifies sexual activity with the same reliability as having a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Use this taboo to your advantage and claim that your Netherlands burn or itch or have their very own Red-Light District. Nobody will think you’ll cop to an STD, so they’ll take it for granted that you’re sexually active. Especially if you make it an intense one. Maybe say your penis fell clean off or that your vagina ate and burped out one or both of your ovaries. You’ll get that much needed peace and quiet from nagging family and friends. Use this time to further personal growth: read Tolstoy, think about going to the gym, finally build that puzzle you’ve been meaning to piece together since your Grandmother gifted it to you six Christmases ago.
Join an improv troupe
An unexpected problem with Step #1 is that people may explain your STD as the result of an affinity or proclivity for soliciting prostitutes. You’ll have to convince them otherwise, so find an improv theater and run a sketch about confronting your partner about the STD they just gave you. They won’t be able to break the “Yes” rule and will have to follow along with your scenario. Make sure to record the performance and edit when necessary. Post it everywhere, hashtag your life away, and pester back those pestering parents and so-called friends.
Buy a mannequin’s head
You can’t just begin a relationship and fail to follow up with countless pictures and messages of how deep your love runs. Therefore, buy a mannequin’s head and a pretty wig of your preferred hair color. Once you have your supplies, pose for pictures with “them” facing away from you, resting “their” head on your shoulder. Keep that social media account active with countless pictures of you at the beach, at a bar, at home watching hours of Dexter.
Begin your crusade against non-believers
Similar to the Prostitution Problem, another unforeseen snag may be people standing stubbornly on the side of doubt. Yes, this stinks, but wade into that stink and slog into battle with those non-believers. Be ready to go to war. Confront them about their questions and doubts and cut at least one friend from your life. Don’t worry, we all have one that we don’t care too much about. Make it that one and don’t look back. Hard line the issue and people won’t question it anymore.
Wear the same clothes every day
By wearing the same clothes as the day before, you can claim that you stayed over at their place the previous night. You’ll appear unprofessional and lose your job over it but take this as an opportunity to double down and declare that your love means more than money. People will respect your commitment to one another and no longer harangue you as they did before.
Stage a flash dance
Sure, they’re no longer trendy. You’ll look lame and out-of-touch, but wouldn’t you rather be lame than reminded that you’re forever alone? So, stage a flash dance proposal and film it. In the chaos of the flash dance, your friends and family will lose track of you and your “boo” and you’ll be able to slip a ring on your finger (if you’re a woman; if you’re a man, contact your mannequin dealer, buy a hand, a ring, and pose that diamond ring center screen once the dance action ceases).
Commit a crime
Even though people have stopped questioning you, they still haven’t met your partner and may still harbor some small doubt as to the existence of this soulmate. If they still don’t believe you, they never will. If you want to maintain your lie, you’re going to have to go big and fully commit… a crime. Hear me out. By now you’re experiencing a mixture of feelings: excitement, exhaustion, awe and wonder at how cunning you’ve been. But splash some water on that ugly, unloveable mug of yours, psych yourself up, and commit a crime that’ll get you locked up. Once you’re in prison, tell everyone that your fiancé left you because they couldn’t be with someone who committed (insert crime here). Make it good. Make it juicy. Make it murder or arson or jaywalking. Similar to Step #1, nobody will think you’d go to such great lengths just to fake a relationship, so they’ll have to believe you. Unlike Step #1, there aren’t any more steps so fear not. You’ll be able to stop faking a relationship because you’re in prison, soon someone will make you their boo. Happy ending guaranteed—probably for Butch or Stud or Long John Tom, but happiness is happiness.
There you have it. Follow my seven steps and those pesky loved ones will stop bothering you about when you’re going to settle down. Good luck and keep me updated after you’ve applied each of my steps. You’re going to have a lot of time in the clink, so don’t wallow away in that jail cell, write me, keep in touch, and maybe I’ll have a few more steps figured out by then.