Things I Saw Inside an Abstract Expressionist Painting

Having recently made a much-needed visit to the world-renowned museum whose name I’ve forgotten entirely, I compiled a list of the things I saw in a famous abstract expressionist painting that I can neither remember the title of nor recall the name of the artist who splashed it to canvas. Nevertheless:

  1. Dogs playing poker

  2. Cats playing Go, Fish

  3. Goldfish acting out Act I, Scene 2 of Cats

  4. Jackson Pollack’s colonoscopy results

  5. Martha Washington’s diary entry regarding her husband’s sexual incompetence: “The man can found a country but he can’t find…”

  6. Reason never to take a hallucinogenic again

  7. A profound, high-brow fart joke

  8. The alternate ending to A Clockwork Orange… and Blues and Greens and Golds and Purples and Something Resembling Reds

  9. Instructions on how to best form a cult

  10. The phone number and business hours of my next therapist

  11. A place for Pablo Picasso to piss

  12. The would-be blood splatter of Liza Minelli’s murder

  13. The perfect portrait of Roald Dahl’s shadow self

  14. A mathematical explanation of why birds only poop on my car

  15. Evidence that I need to find better things to do than stare at the same painting for two and a few more hours

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Dear Abstract Expressionist(s), I’m writing to you because I’m afraid you’ve lost your way and are in desperate need of guidance. After spending the weekend attempting to interpret the best of your be