Things I Saw Inside an Abstract Expressionist Painting


Having recently made a much-needed visit to the world-renowned museum whose name I’ve forgotten entirely, I compiled a list of the things I saw in a famous abstract expressionist painting that I can neither remember the title of nor recall the name of the artist who splashed it to canvas. Nevertheless:


  1. Dogs playing poker

  2. Cats playing Go, Fish

  3. Goldfish acting out Act I, Scene 2 of Cats

  4. Jackson Pollack’s colonoscopy results

  5. Martha Washington’s diary entry regarding her husband’s sexual incompetence: “The man can found a country but he can’t find…”

  6. Reason never to take a hallucinogenic again

  7. A profound, high-brow fart joke

  8. The alternate ending to A Clockwork Orange… and Blues and Greens and Golds and Purples and Something Resembling Reds

  9. Instructions on how to best form a cult

  10. The phone number and business hours of my next therapist

  11. A place for Pablo Picasso to piss

  12. The would-be blood splatter of Liza Minelli’s murder

  13. The perfect portrait of Roald Dahl’s shadow self

  14. A mathematical explanation of why birds only poop on my car

  15. Evidence that I need to find better things to do than stare at the same painting for two and a few more hours

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© 2017by Trevor Love