Having recently made a much-needed visit to the world-renowned museum whose name I’ve forgotten entirely, I compiled a list of the things I saw in a famous abstract expressionist painting that I can neither remember the title of nor recall the name of the artist who splashed it to canvas. Nevertheless:
Dogs playing poker
Cats playing Go, Fish
Goldfish acting out Act I, Scene 2 of Cats
Jackson Pollack’s colonoscopy results
Martha Washington’s diary entry regarding her husband’s sexual incompetence: “The man can found a country but he can’t find…”
Reason never to take a hallucinogenic again
A profound, high-brow fart joke
The alternate ending to A Clockwork Orange… and Blues and Greens and Golds and Purples and Something Resembling Reds
Instructions on how to best form a cult
The phone number and business hours of my next therapist
A place for Pablo Picasso to piss
The would-be blood splatter of Liza Minelli’s murder
The perfect portrait of Roald Dahl’s shadow self
A mathematical explanation of why birds only poop on my car
Evidence that I need to find better things to do than stare at the same painting for two and a few more hours