Things Not to Say in a Job Interview

The following are transcribed exchanges that should not occur during a job interview. Under any circumstances! Even if you fall and bump your head and begin dating your coat rack or your neighbor’s car or any other item symptomatic of your severe and permanently damaged brain.

Interviewer: Tell me a little bit about yourself.

You: Hmm, where do I begin?

Interviewer: Wait—are you asking me?

You: Yes.

Interviewer: Of course. Get comfortable. Don’t be nervous about the interview. Just think about this as a conversation between—well, don’t get that comfortable—yeah, no, don’t unbuckle your—okay, put your pants back on.

Interviewer: Where did you go to school?

You: I’m a proud graduate of the University of H.K.

Interviewer: I’ve never heard of it. What’s the H.K. stand for?

You: Hard Knocks.

Interviewer: Is it accredited?

You: Oh yeah. I’d even say the School of Hard Knocks is the most a-street-credited.

You: How long are lunch breaks? Because my last employer limited them to only sixty minutes and I’m afraid that just won’t do. I usually end up taking a nap over the second hour because I drink during the first and need to sober up before returning to work.

Interviewer: Do you have any experience in sales?

You: I sold my soul to the Devil, does that count?

Interviewer: It does not.

You: My ex says I sold them a load of bull. How about that?

Interviewer: No.

Interviewer: I see here that you—Hello? Are you asleep? Hey! Wake up. Is that whiskey on your breath? Christ, are you drunk?

Interviewer: What would you consider your biggest weakness?

You: Biceps.

Interviewer: And strength?

You: Biceps.

You: Does watching The Office count as office experience? Fair enough, but they sell paper on the show. What about that as having sales experience? I understand—yes. I was just thinking that if—okay. Okay. I have no sales experience then.

Interviewer: What three words would your best friend describe you as?

You: Deceitful, backstabbing, and disloyal.

Interviewer: Wait—umm—what three words would your worst friend describe you as?

You: The same three—keep your enemies close.

Interviewer: Yes, that’s a picture of my family. Oh, thank you. They are beautiful. What does that matter? Of course not. No, you cannot date them. None of them—Nor, all of them.

Interviewer: What’s your preferred means of settling inner office conflict?

You: Wrestling match.

Interviewer: Excuse me?

You: Excuse me!

You: I can start work as soon as you want. Although—unless it’s next week because I’m going to Burning Man and haven’t missed one yet. Also, is it possible to get my annual raise up front? I have some gambling debts that need to be offed before I am.

Interviewer: If offered the position, what is one skill you learned from your last job that you’d bring here?

You: That you lose 100% of the battles you don’t fight.

Interviewer: That’s good, but I’m afraid I disagree. Sometimes you can—

You: Oh yeah?

Interviewer: Yes, I think so. Because in my experience—

You: Oh yeah!?

Interviewer: What are you doing? Sit down. Are you crazy? Don’t put your hands on me! Security! Get off me! Security! Don’t put me in a head lock! Or a leg lock! This is a job interview, not a wrestling match! Security!

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The following are a list of statements that, if made by your therapist, should send you running and screaming as fast and as loud and as far away as possible. This list is limited to this list. Thus,