Prostate exams can be unnerving. They’re distressing but necessary medical examinations every man must have; therefore, because they’re both distressing and necessary, it’s essential to overcome your uneasiness. Setting expectations to what constitutes a constructive prostate exam can relieve the anxiety and fear that causes many men to avoid the exam altogether.
Unfortunately, I haven’t yet had a prostate exam and am too lazy to Google what to expect. However, I have compiled a list of mildly to severely disconcerting things you don’t want to hear during a prostate exam. If you do—I don’t know—maybe all your anxiety about having a prostate exam was justified. Conversely, if you have had an exam and didn’t hear any of these things, you should feel good about your experience. Maybe you—instead of me—can then write about and promote your experience to help other men assuage their apprehension.
Nevertheless, the following are mildly to severely disconcerting things you don’t want to hear from either your doctor or your insides while receiving a prostate exam:
“And now for my next trick… I’m going to make a couple fingers disappear.”
“I knew I’ve felt this one before. Do you live on 2321 Crescent Way and leave your dining room window unlocked at night?”
An acoustic recording of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”
“Okay—open wide and say aah.”
“Pass me one of those XXXL gloves.”
The disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln reciting the Gettysburg Address
“Don’t worry. I usually find it within a couple of minutes.”
A trumpet blowing a flat C
A sea plane sputtering on take off
“Ready or not, here I come.”
The chaotic flutter of bats exiting a cave
“You’re all set. Easy peasy. Now, smell my fingers.”