When to Shirk your Shrink

The following are a list of statements that, if made by your therapist, should send you running and screaming as fast and as loud and as far away as possible. This list is limited to this list. Thus, this list is not comprised of every reason, but rather every reason I could think of as I wrote it. Most likely, it’s nonsense. So, enjoy!

1. “After consulting my mentor, Dr. Phil…”

2. “Oh, yes. Your problem is a no-brainer. Very easy fix. In fact, I could give you a single piece of advice and that problem wouldn’t plague you any longer. But… we’re smack out of time. When should I schedule your very expensive next appointment?”

3. “Have you considered joining a cult? I heard those are great this time of the year.”

4. “Do you find yourself attracted to men who’re wearing a dark brown patterned sweater with light khakis and medium brown loafers? Maybe they have glasses? Glasses that resemble these? Clean shaven, like this? Some nose hairs? Balding? Always sit across from you? Balance their notepad atop their crossed legs? Ask you to talk almost exclusively about your feelings? If not… well, I’m afraid that’s your main problem and you should give me—I mean one of them—give one of them a shot.”

5. “Well… if none of this works you can always just kill yourself. I’m only kidding. I kid because I care.”

6. “It sounds like this all sources back to your mother. Does that seem like it’s an accurate assessment? What!? Yes!? Really!? Oh God! I finally guessed right! You wouldn’t believe how uncommon that actually is. What a relief for me to finally nail it though! Up top!”

7. “I’ve been reading a lot about Jungian shadows and I find that it’s really just as easy as staying out of the sun.”

8. “Absolutely not! You shouldn’t be judged for that behavior. There is nothing wrong with that, nor you. Sticking your penis in strangers’ gas caps is perfectly normal. Why do you think my pants always smell like a Citgo?”

9. “I think we should try hypnotization. If you awake on your own and I’m asleep, just know that’s a part of the therapy. Also, maybe be a pal and wake me up before my next appointment.”

10. “This sounds like a problem for an old friend. I’ll need your help though. Here—pentagram these candles for me. Please. And light them, as well. I’m going to séance Sigmund in.”

11. “I’d suggest you tell yourself the opposite of how you want to behave. It’s this brilliant new concept I’ve only just recently heard of called reverse psychology.

12. “Mental illness is what I’ve termed cognitive cancer. Unfortunately, the only solution is surgery. A simple surgery, however. We saw you open, take a looksie to see if your brain is even in there, and then spoon that brain out like a pint of Rocky Road. After that, we use an electric mixer and scramble it up. Once scrambled, we’ll pour it back in. In theory, this should work.”

13. “Where did I go to school? I didn’t, actually. Paid 20 bucks for the pdf and went to Kinkos. All in all, it cost me twenty minutes, twenty bucks, and a bit of small talk with some chucklehead store clerk.”

14. “Have you ever tried actually having sex with your mother?”

15. “I’m going to show you some pictures. Tell me what you see? Yes, don’t be afraid. Describe exactly what you see. There are no wrong answers. What! Excuse me? You see a pair of giant… bazongas? What the hell? A thick, veiny, and curving-to-the-left what? The next picture? My God! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I grabbed the wrong folder.”

16. “Since we humans use only 10% of our brains, I’d suggest you try using some of the other 90%. We know this 10 is bad, so to greener pastures we shall go.”

17. “Are you asking what I think about all of this? I’m not sure, to be honest. I haven’t been able to shake my last session. It’s a client of mine who has decided it’s simply not enough for the environment to hug trees. So, they’ve started using an awl to drill holes into trees and—well… you can do the math.”

18. “My reviews online are pretty piss poor, so can you write something nice before we begin. Thanks.”

Recent Posts

See All

The following are transcribed exchanges that should not occur during a job interview. Under any circumstances! Even if you fall and bump your head and begin dating your coat rack or your neighbor’s ca